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Vacation Bucket List: Show Butt to Strangers
The conversation usually goes like this: “Hey babe – can you watch the kids for a bit? I need to go to the store for a few things.” Not like this: “Hey babe – can you watch the kids for a bit? My ass...
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The Devil is hot pink
It’s a common misconception that the Devil is red and carries a pitchfork. I want to clear that up for you right now, and I can because I met the Devil last night. I was promised all my suffering...
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But what if your crotch gets addicted?
Hey there’s a new vaginal marijuana potion that produces a 15-minute climax. Que en el mundo? Speaking of being high, this guy is trying to enter the stratosphere in an air balloon using batteries,...
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Not all feet touchers are the same
I don’t like strangers scratching my head and mounting me in public. Especially when I have to pay for it. My glorious friend, P, and I decided to treat ourselves to a “foot spa” outing after work....
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It’s my BIRTHDAY – whuuuut?
Is it just me, or does this photo give you the impression I handled this party all by myself? I’ve clearly called everyone to the table to witness the final adjustments on my birthday cake, which I...
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Confessions of a Beverly Hills (adjacent) Dog Owner
I kind of wanted a baby. I just wasn’t ready to break my vagina and gain 30 pounds. Also, I enjoyed sleeping, and being the center of the universe. So I adopted a little dog instead. Specifically, I...
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How to waste $500 in three seconds
Back into the parked car in your driveway….Boom. $500 insurance deductible spent. Go into house and notify fiance you have wrecked your car, by smashing into HIS. Note that fiance is very bitter at...
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Obviously I’m a unicorn
Friday, November 6th Recap: Choreographed silly dance for upcoming Flash Mob Birthday celebration. It will be legitimate blackmail for everyone involved, including me. Participated in two conference...
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“Finished” has multiple meanings
Por exemplo, to some people, “I’m finished” looks like this: To other people (me), this is the opposite of “finished.” This is more: the Chaos Gods will climb out of the earth and eat your soul if...
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